Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Hope Deferred

It's been a while since I've written about our infertility situation. I know many of my readers are interested in that particular part of our lives, so I thought I'd give a little update.

We're still childless.

I write that with a smirk, not a scowl. God's been heavily at work in my heart, and much of the bitterness that ruled my attitude toward life has melted away throughout the past few months. I wrote about the possibility that God might be giving me a more rare, precious gift in acting, and I still find it to be true.

The favor I've received, the joy acting brings me, the opportunities that have come along - I attribute these things to the Lord, that He wants me in this field.

I'm beginning to believe that it's possible He has prevented pregnancy for the very purpose of placing me in the acting industry. Maybe this was part of His plan for my life all along. Maybe I'm supposed to be an actress before I'm ever a mother.

Some of my friends would call it the universe giving back to me. I would too if I thought God didn't love me, which I have believed several times in my darkest days of the last two years. Somehow, by His grace, I do believe He loves me now, so I say with peace and gratitude that it's His plan for me to have an abundance of joy in acting, and not a bundle of joy in a child. (At least for now.)

I don't like that acting and infertility are so intertwined, but I can't separate them. I wouldn't be enjoying my life of creativity if I hadn't suffered through infertility.

The suffering isn't over. It continues, but its sting has lessened significantly. Pregnancies continue to pop up, and babies pop out all around me. I still have wacky cycles with two-week late periods, causing false hope. We're still not investing in fertility treatment, a decision I'm ever second-guessing. But somehow, life is really good despite it. No, life is really good in the midst of it.

That is, God is really good in the midst of it.
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