Sunday, August 26, 2012

Mourning into Dancing

This morning I was feeding Daisy, and a song popped into my head that I used to sing at church growing up. "He's turned my mourning into dancing again. He's lifted my sorrows. I can't stay silent. I must sing for His joy has come." 

I thought about how much sorrow and suffering I felt in my days of infertility, and how much joy I feel now with Daisy. I used to say, "A baby won't make me happy," but that's not true. Having Daisy makes me very happy. Nothing seems as dark or difficult in the light of being given a child. 

I had given up hope of having a baby. A couple days before I found out I was pregnant, I wrote this in my diary: 
"This week has been a struggle to be deeply happy. We had a fun office adventure at the Corn Maze on Wednesday, but other than that I've been pretty depressed. I really want a kid. Fall is difficult. I so want to announce pregnancy at a holiday event, but I think I need to forget that. 
"I've been really sad this week. Lots of babies being born and pregnancies announced.  
"God help me. It will never end. The sting of infertility is so strong and it lasts. Can Your joy overcome it? Is that possible?" 

God's joy has overcome the sting of infertility. It took a while, but that sorrow is completely gone now. This morning I thought, "Wow, He really did turn my mourning into dancing. He really did lift my sorrows."

It took a while because I was so hard-hearted that God wouldn't answer my prayer for a baby. When He did answer it, my heart wasn't immediately softened. I still feared miscarriage or other bad things.

A friend recently told me that she has hope that God will answer her prayer for a deep desire to be met, because of the tangible evidence of her answered prayers in my life. I felt convicted, because I hadn't felt the same assurance of His faithfulness, and I was the example of it! In my fear of bad things happening and observation of other unanswered prayers, I've ignored the big "YES" that is Daisy. The big, "Hey, Deborah, guess what? I gave you what you asked for...again!" (God's answered lots of prayers with yes's in my life, Zane and Daisy being two big ones.)

I looked up the verse that the worship song was based on, Psalm 30:11-12:
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." 
I will give Him thanks forever.

There will likely be other valleys of darkness in the future, but when they come, I can look back and remember how God turned my sorrow into joy before. He can always do it again. I hope that He will give me the grace to remember.
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