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Reward and Reproach

Sometimes my struggle with infertility is on the surface. I hate bottles, binkies, baby bumps, and pregnancy news. Other times, my struggle reaches the depths of my soul. Why would God choose this path for us - why would he keep this good thing from us?

Here are two major stumbling blocks for me:

1. Rewards. People say that children are a "reward," and until yesterday I hoped it was just a phrase. As in, not in the Bible. I was wrong. Check it:

Psalm 127:3 "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward."

Wow. Really? Rewards are something given after accomplishment or good behavior. Rewards are withheld from naughty and negligent children. You get a gold star when you finish your chores. You get a baby when....hm.
 
2. Reproach. I recently read Genesis 30, focusing on the meanings of each name of the children of Jacob. I felt a sting when I  got to the end of the chapter:

Genesis 30:23 "[Rachel] conceived and bore a son and said, 'God has taken away my reproach.'"

Whaaaaat? Is it just me, or does reproach=punishment? I looked it up on dictionary.com, and "disgrace" was one definition given, so I'm kind of hoping that's what Rachel means. There is disgrace in the inability to conceive. That's easier to digest than "God has taken away my punishment." Punishment for what? General sinfulness? Isn't that the point of grace? Sin's punishment is removed? Stumbling block.



I know I'm not the first person to struggle with this concept of God withholding something good from me. I can preach to myself that I don't deserve anything good, so I'm blessed to even be alive, but it doesn't take away the pain. It just makes me bitter.

I read this post from a friend's infertility blog, which was written years ago.

I relate to much of what he says in his post, including this statement: "I doubt that God is for me. I have this underlying faith in the goodness of God and the sweetness of his word, but his hand seems anything but good, and his words seem less and less sweet."

Throughout his post, he lists verses that do bring him hope and comfort, ending with this:

Isaiah 9:1 "Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and cry to her that her warfare is ended, that her iniquity is pardoned, that she has received from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins."

"The main thing I take away from this is that there is a point where God suddenly and mysteriously relents of his wrath and starts to speak tenderly. Oh, for that day to be soon!"

Amen, brother. Oh, for that day to be soon.

Comments

Jayde said…
I'm sorry that you have to go through this too Deborah. I know how you feel. The road has been long and I try to stay hopeful, but it is hard. I wrestle with the same thoughts of punishment or that I did something that causes God to choose childlessness for us. I will be turning 35 on April 1st and it will be a very hard day if I am still not pregnant. All I can do is pray and hope.

Just remember that Abby (the person's blog you posted) now has a beautiful child after all these years. Also, most (if not all) the barren women in the bible God blessed with a child. That gives me hope. For some reason now is not the time for us, but we must try to be patient and know that God loves us and has a plan for us. It probably won't stop me from crying every month when it still hasn't happened, but I can still have hope. God knows my pain.
Sharlieharby said…
Hey there. These aren't unfamiliar thoughts to me. I must have done somethin wrong since I am not receiving the reward. A few women in my life have helped me check this thought... Instead of, "Why me?" ask, "Why not me?" I don't say that easily and most days I cant even utter those words... But what is God DOING? How is He using you to bring glory to His name? He has chosen me for this path, and it wasn't an oopsie daisy, He is well aware of your testimony. I had a dear friend (who is 20 years into the journey) say That she sees it as a calling. God knew she had the strength to love children that were not from her womb. He chose her to love the fatherless. That really spoke to me. It's all in how we look at it... Is He witholding or is He holding out His hand with an incredible treasure that He has picked out for only you and Zane?

Trust me, I have your same questions, but in order to carry on I have to Put On truth and hope. I have to hope that God has an incredible thing up His sleeve. All the women I know who are further in their journeys would tell us that He does have a great reward for us too... But it just might not look like the reward we were expecting.

I hope this brings you hope. Not down playing your feelings. I carry those in the corner of my heart too. I just can't let Satan take any opportunity to turn God's story into his story.
Thank you, both. It's good for me to hear these things from you guys. It's much harder for me to return a bitter heart to encouragement from people who know what I'm going through. I really appreciate you both sharing with me on this subject.

I desperately want to believe that God has a great plan for us. But today I'm burdened.

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