Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Vanity and Pregnancy

"She blew up like a whale" versus "She was all belly."

I'm 27 weeks and just barely entering my third trimester. They say you should gain 25-35 pounds throughout your entire pregnancy. I've already passed that, so yep, I'm headed toward the whale side of the scale.

Today the OB told me to cut down on my sugar intake, stop drinking juice, only have sweets one day a week. Paired with some comments about my size earlier this week, those orders depressed me. Not because I'll miss the sweets (although I will), but because I hate the strong grip that my vanity has over me.

Weight has never been an issue for me. Neither has food over-consumption. Just when I started to realize why the world loves food so much, I'm faced with the super frustrating discipline of portion control and eating right.

I'm hungry all the time! And I want dessert!

There's a double-standard for pregnant women. Eat whatever you want, enjoy it, you're pregnant! But maintain the highly desirable "all-belly" body.

Maybe I'm pressuring myself to this standard, but based on the two common statements at the beginning of this post, I'd say it's a pretty universal standard in the western world. I wish pregnant women received a "get out of judgement free" card, but they don't. I'm guilty. I've TOTALLY noticed when women exploded during their third trimesters and thought, "Yikes."

Maybe that's why I'm feeling extra depressed. What goes around comes around.

What's most frustrating to me is that pregnancy weight is causing me to want to rush the third trimester to get to breastfeeding when I'm supposed to lose weight really fast. What the heck? I'm more concerned with looking "pretty" (translation: thin) again, than I am enjoying being pregnant! No! Stop it, self!

I wanted to be pregnant, and growing big is part of it. Struggling with body changes is part of it too.

Daisy's not twins. I'm looking round. I'm filled out. I'm swollen. I'm not even close to being done, so watch out - because this former rail is turning into a whale, no matter what my diet and exercise looks like. There's no losing weight in healthy pregnancies, especially trimester three.

I have no choice but to be okay with that.

I appreciate all of the comments this week about me looking beautiful. I've been wrestling with the definition of beauty and pregnancy. I can hear a dozen "You're so cute" comments, but the ones that stick are the negative few. I'm not going to turn away compliments, but I would really appreciate prayer for my heart, because apparently vanity is weakness of mine. I want to feel confident and beautiful, no matter what I look like.

P.S. I don't only want to rush the third trimester to go back to my other body. I also really want to meet Daisy!

But seriously, pray for my sanctification. Vanity cannot rule my life!
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