I mentioned in a previous post that I'm working through a lot of thoughts and emotions with this new pregnancy. One of those thoughts is God's goodness.
God is good, but not because He gave us a kid.
I spent months being really frustrated with God and wondering why He would be so mean to me by not letting us get pregnant. My heart was ruled by pride and entitlement. I see it in myself still. Through counseling and God's grace, I was able to believe that He is good no matter what.
My circumstances do not define God's goodness, neither do His gifts or lack thereof.
After Job was stripped of all his earthly possessions, his family was killed, his life was basically crap, he says this in Job 1:21, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised."
Basically, I didn't come into this world with anything, and I can't take anything with me when I go. No matter what God gives, doesn't give or takes away, He is worthy to be praised.
That's tough to swallow when you're suffering.
But Jesus suffered worse than anything I could go through. It was because of His suffering and victory over death, that I can know any depth of peace in this world. The gospel is proof of God's goodness. Am I so self-absorbed and entitled to think that having a baby is a greater gift than grace and life? Than knowing God? That I would call Him mean for withholding a baby, while He gives me all kinds of riches in knowing Him personally? Audacious. That's what I am. Yet He loves me.
But I'm pregnant now...so...
I guess I'm not really suffering anymore. I can't forget what I went through either. I also can't be naive to think I'll never have future hardships. I find myself guarding my emotions. I'm thankful, glad, and excited for this baby, but it looks a lot different than it might have looked had we never dealt with infertility.
Basically, God isn't good because He gave us a kid. He's good, and He gave us a kid. He was good before that, and if He takes our kid away, He'll still be good. That's truth.
God is good all the time.