Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Insecurity Infestation

Time for another outpouring of my heart.

I recently became aware of my insecurity. I used to be content with bad hair and no make up and weird clothes in college. Actually I think I was just in denial. I've been more self-conscious lately because of this whole acting thing. I feel like I need to look perfect and cool and confident, etc, and I've started being more frustrated by my appearance.

I had a minor freak-out moment this weekend. I started thinking about how much easier it would be to be a mother than to be an actress. (All moms can laugh ridiculingly right now, but don't ever do it to my face). I started crying and wanting to give up. I thought, "This is hard! I have a character flaw!"

Yes, can you believe it? I have a character flaw! Okay, I have many, but one of them is my need for others' approval.

I am trying to break into an industry that bears the criticism of the masses! You know it's true - how many of you leave a movie picking it apart? "She's gotten fat. The story sucked. The graphics were lame." Millions of dollars and thousands of hours go into these productions, and nine out of ten get shot down by the general public.

This thought made me nervous. What the heck am I doing? I'm branching out from my safe bubble of close friends, who don't care what my hair looks like and say that my eyeliner looks great (when I think I look kinda...not great). I'm going into an industry where you get casted by your appearance, where the audience feels at full liberty to tear you down.

Then I remembered all the times that God raises people up to do His work. Many of them weren't excited about what He had in store for them. All of them had serious character flaws. That's part of what makes God's work so amazing, He uses flawed people.

If it's hard and scary, I should move forward. I mean look at Caleb (Bible story found in Judges - Old Testament) - faithless, freaked out, but it was through his insecurity that God showed His glory. At this point, I literally have nothing to lose.

Plus, bonus: last night we were party-hopping, and I was super insecure about my appearance. I can't believe how many people made comments on how good I looked. I just laughed and thought about how God meets my needs. It's like He was saying, "I know you're taking a risk, but I've got friends lined up for you along the way." Good, because I need friends too.

I wish I could say my insecurity is cured, but it's not. I'm just more aware of it. I'm pushing through, carrying on. By the way, thanks to everyone who said I was pretty yesterday. :) And for all the encouraging facebook comments on my headshots. Keep 'em comin'!
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