Saturday, February 9, 2013

Three Split Pants

You know how in movies and cartoons, a person bends over and their pants split down the back? I used to think that only happened in movies and cartoons, until it happened to me. Then it happened again. Then it happened again.

2003: When I was sixteen, I was on a double date at a putt putt golf course in a not-that-tight pair of American Eagle jeans. I had run out of clean underwear, so I was wearing bathing suit bottoms (which Liz Lemon endorses (I did it before 30 Rock)). At hole 10 or so, in an attempt to be a pro-golfer, I squatted down to get a good angle on my putt. I immediately felt a tear followed by a cool draft on my buttocks. I jumped up, backed up against a totem pole, and called my friend over.

She didn't believe me, so I showed her. Then she laughed. Then we told our boyfriends, but they didn't believe me either. It did sound fake, "I tore my pants, but I'm wearing a bathing suit, because I ran out of clean underwear!" How could you make that up?

My date gave me his shirt (he still had on a an undershirt), and I  tucked it into the waist of my pants, and we all continued our evening.

2005: I was wearing my favorite jeans. These were Lee brand. I wore them ALL the time. Leaving the bank, I sat down in my driver seat and felt the familiar sensation of my pants tearing. No one was around to be embarrassed in front of, but I was pretty bummed about my favorite jeans.

2006: I was leaving our UCF Cru meeting to go to Pie in the Sky across from UCF wearing a pair of Levis. When I sat in the driver seat of my car (same scenario!), RRIIIIPPP! I had my jacket in the car, so I tied it around my waist and ate some pizza. No pants would keep me from being social.

By the third time, I was tired of losing jeans, so I repaired them with hand-embroidery. I still have them, but I haven't worn them lately because embroidered butt jeans aren't really in style right now. But I've considered making them skinny jeans, since I know how to do that now.

There are two morals to these stories:
1. Your favorite jeans will eventually fail you.
2. Don't let pants ruin your fun. Just tie a jacket around your waist and keep going.
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