Sunday morning we got news that one of our dear friends lost their baby girl. It was all very sudden and shocking and awful. The worst news in the world.
This was also the first time since getting pregnant that all my too-familiar thoughts of God being mean and cruel flooded back into my mind. Why didn't He save her? How can we live in a world where babies die? Why would He do that? How long does Daisy have? Can I even be happy that I have Daisy in the light of such a horrible thing?
I spent the morning in agony, crying and avoiding Zane and being mad. I asked God all these questions. He gave me the same verse that I used to say to myself during infertility:
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Job 1:21
The ultimate conclusion is that God's goodness is not measured by our circumstances. No matter what horrible things happen in life, Jesus suffered more on the cross with the weight of the world's sin on His shoulders. God has not turned His back on us, and so there is hope.
There's really no way to understand or to reason why our sweet baby friend passed away, even though that's what I naturally want to know. I want to take away her family's pain, but I can't do that either.
In some weird way, I wish it had happened to Zane and me, because I don't want our friends to have to go through this. As noble as it sounds to want to take their suffering, I think that it's more deeply a selfish feeling stemming from my bitterness at God. We've already gone through some suffering, so what's some more? I think there's a natural mentality of waiting for the other shoe to drop, after you've experienced some measure of suffering.
But, God has a plan for them through this. A good plan. I have to trust that.
I have to trust that their sweet baby girl lived all the days ordained for her, that she's with Jesus now. She'll never have to know the pain of losing a child or any other pain that we have on earth. For that I envy her, yet I still wish she had been given more years.
Life is such a paradox. I can't believe that we are going to be rejoicing in the birth of Daisy very soon, while simultaneously mourning the death of one who would have been her friend and playmate.
Pray with me for this family and for all the lives that this death has touched. May God be glorified.