Sorry for all the pregnancy posts. It's on the forefront of my mind right now as I await Daisy's arrival.
This Friday will be 39 weeks, so only ONE more week until my due date. I'm torn between enjoying the last few days of pregnancy and wishing she would come already.
I've had a few painful contractions that get my hopes up, but they've all gone away and haven't returned for hours or days even.
I've cleaned the house, stocked the fridge, and everyday when I leave work, I make sure everything is in order in case I don't come back the next day. I don't know if any of that is the "nesting" frenzy that people talk about, but I'm READY!
Zane and I have been trying to enjoy the freedom of not having a kid, but I'm antsy to meet her already. We're also still enjoying regular DD visits for cinnamon donuts.
Rufio must sense the coming change. He's been more clingy than ever, demanding our attention and cuddling with us whenever he can. He also did a weird thing the other morning where he pooped in the closet on Zane's shoes and peed in the hallway. He has never done anything like that before. As we grumbled and cleaned it up, he sat nearby wagging his tail watching us. We were like, "Stop being so happy!!" I even stepped on his tail to keep it from wagging, but it didn't help. As soon as I lifted my foot, he started wagging it again. He's so weird.
Everyday I've been wanting Daisy to come, but I don't want her to come on Friday, because that's the day of the memorial service for our little friend who passed away last Saturday. I want to be there. It's all so sad and strange and unsettling. I think of Ecclesiastes 3, the part of the Bible that lists different seasons of life such as:
3:2 "A time to be born, and a time to die."
3:4 "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."
Usually I read these verses and think these times are distinct and different, but I'm realizing that sometimes they're all meshed together in life. There are moments of distinction, like in a crisis or celebration, but generally, I think people daily experience suffering and joy simultaneously. I can think of at least two other cases in friends' lives in recent years where death occurred the same time as a joyous occasion such as a birth or wedding.
I pray for daily joys in the midst of this intense suffering for my friends. It must be hard to find joy in anything. I think even grace and salvation can seem less worthy in the light of losing a child.
Just another musing on the two biggest things on my mind right now: grieving a death and anticipating a new life.
Also, I guess maybe my other post gave the wrong impression, based on some responses. I feel like I should clarify that I don't consider myself in a spiritual crisis or anything. I'm not living in fear of Daisy's life or mad at God. I trust Him in all this. I just wanted to share my feelings in the wake of such a horrible tragedy. I believe He's in control and has a good plan, for those who may have been worried about me in my emotional, nine-month-pregnant state.