Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm Just Happy Again

I used to say to myself during my depressed infertile days, "Having a baby won't make you happy." I still agree with that statement, because happiness isn't found in the next thing. It's found in the now.

Growing up, I was always a happy person. Everything was exciting until infertility. During those days, I thought, "Well this is real life. It's hard, and happiness is just naivity." I found happiness during infertility in acting, crafting, and spending time with family, but there was an underlying sadness that came with the hopelessness of maybe never having kids.

But now I'm happy about everything again. The weather, my church, my responsibilities, my clothes, my car, food, Rufio, Zane, Earl Grey tea, electric blankets, the future! The list goes on. I'm just happy again. 

I don't think it's because I'm pregnant, but it helps.

I still acknowledge suffering in the world, which breaks my heart in a way it wouldn't have before infertility. I earnestly pray for others like I never did before. I've had sad moments, but the underlying feeling this time is joy. Infertility made me more real and less naive about suffering. But I was naive to think that I would never feel happy again.

Life comes in seasons. I was in a season of suffering, which emotionally continued into my first trimester. Now I'm in a season of joy and unhindered happiness. It may not last forever (probably won't), but it's here now.

Mostly, I'm grateful because much of the bitterness toward parents and babies and pregnancy that clogged my heart has melted away. I'm hopeful and excited and happy to finally join the mom club.

God is good. He's the redeemer of lives and joy. He makes all things new.
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